Wonder Woman

Ali Naro 5 June, 2017 Comments Off on Wonder Woman
Wonder Woman

Starring – Gal Gadot, Chris Pine, Robin Wright and a bunch of other people, but I was so disappointed by this movie, I don’t feel like listing anyone else…
Directed by Patty Jenkins (because hell was going to be paid if a woman didn’t direct it and I’m not so sure this is a good reason to hire a woman director, because don’t we want to be hired for our talent, ladies, instead of our vaginas?)
2017 – the year Wonder Woman became a feminist and so she became, well, kind of boring…

So, I’m beginning to suspect that I might have possibly seen a completely different version of Wonder Woman than the critics and mostly female celebrities saw this past week, because they are all a-raving about how wonderfully awesome and empowering for women this Wonder Woman movie is, but I walked out of the theater saying to myself, “What the hell happened to the awesome Wonder Woman that was in that awful Superman vs. Ben Affleck film?” 

Did I somehow see a different movie?

Maybe, since my wife’s new job has perks and these perks included a free screening of Wonder Woman, and so maybe since it was free, we got a pre-edited/rough draft version of Wonder Woman rather than the finished, kick-ass version everyone else is raving about?

Other people did walk out of the theater with us looking a bit dismayed and were dissing the movie before they had even left the building…

And then we heard two teenage girls giggling about the movie in the bathroom afterwards about how ridiculous the film was…

And then we heard other audience members of the free screening on the subway ride home, also talking about how ridiculous the movie was and how disappointed they were too…

So, maybe we did get a less than stellar version of the film since it was a free screening for just regular, everyday people who do normal, everyday things at their job like helping to cure cancer?

Or maybe, Hollywood and feminists are just too busy patting themselves on the back for a job well done and everyone on social media wants to be a part of that bandwagon too, so no one noticed that Wonder Woman was just okay or maybe even just kind of a good movie at best?

I have a feeling it is definitely the latter, but I like to think positively about humankind, so I’m going to go with its somewhere in the middle. The movie wasn’t very good, but people really, really wanted to like it, so we decided it was worth the price of admission, which is good for me since I got in for free! 🙂

So, why didn’t I like this wonder of a Wonder Woman movie?

For lots of reasons, but the main reason is because the Wonder Woman that I saw in Superman vs. Ben Affleck’s Ego was a badass/get-out-of-my-way-you-idiots-think-you-are-superheroes-men/and-I-got-WAY-BETTER-theme-music-than-you WONDER OF A WONDER WOMAN! Ironically, Wonder Woman, Lois Lane and Martha Kent were the only ones who were even good in that boy was that bad superhero film. That Wonder Woman (ironically directed by a man) was Xena and Gabrielle and Ellen Ripley and Sarah Connor all rolled up into one and the only superhero to show up to that awfully confusing and dammit I wanted to like it too film! Because the thing is, I never walk into a movie wanting to hate it or dislike it. I ALWAYS walk into a movie ready to LOVE it, so having waited since I was 6 years old for a Wonder Woman movie, after I saw the classic Superman movie with Christopher Reeve for the first time and already was a HUGE fan of the Wonder Woman TV series that starred the always lovely, Lynda Carter; I walked into Wonder Woman the movie ready to LOVE IT! About five minutes into it, I knew what I was going to get instead, a mediocre movie because mediocre movies are all Hollywood makes these days because they gotta make these movies appeal to EVERYONE IN THE WORLD! And they don’t want to offend EVERYONE IN THE WORLD, so they made Wonder Woman less than the stellar star she was in Superman vs. Whatever The Rest Of That Confusing Movie Was, since now she was the star, instead of the cool sidekick, and they made her and her fellow Amazons all eunuchs when it came to their lesbian ways. If I wanted to watch Amazons, once again, lose all of their mythical history that included the mythical fact that they loved ladies too, hence wanting to live on a damn island with nothing but ladies, I could have watched an episode of Xena. They had the Amazons somewhat eunuch-like as well, when it came to their lesbian ways, but they had subtext in that show GALORE, so you didn’t have to squint too hard to see those ladies loving on each other in that series that was about, not one, but TWO women kicking ass and even had a lesbian producer on the series that pushed the lesbian subtext as far as 1995 would allow because NO ONE was out on TV in 19freaking95! Not even the Amazons, because it wasn’t safe. But, it’s 20fucking17 now. We got marriage equality now. We can be out in the military now. We got lots of legal rights now that were only dreams and wishes in 1995. So where in the God damned hell are our lesbian Amazons?!

Hello, Hollywood?

Ladies who love being feminists?

Lady directors?

If being feminist means being all about the inclusion of women in all walks of life, including superhero movies and women who get to direct superhero movies, shouldn’t that inclusion include us lesbians too?

Sadly, I guess not.

See, proof that I’ve been waiting on a Wonder Woman movie since I was a kid.
And this is the one and only time I will ever be posting a picture of me in my underwear. Or in this case, Underoos.

P.S.: The WWI history will make any historian cringe. That didn’t help the film in my eyes either. Not that I was expecting much historical accuracy in a comic book film, but still! But a lady is kicking ass (even if that ass she is kicking is somewhat boring and in the realms of ridiculous when it is not boring) and it was directed by a woman, so we better ALL love it or there will be feminist hell to pay, so I was surprised to see only one other film critic talk about the historical no-no’s in the film. The rest, I think, were too scared of never getting any from their wives and girlfriends again to say anymore beyond the movie is a Godsend for women everywhere. Or maybe they are just bad with WWI history? Most people are, so it’s not too surprising. 

P.S.S.: I am officially no longer a feminist, not that I ever was one, but was more forced into the role since I am a woman who loves women, and that kind of automatically makes you a feminist without even trying or wanting to be one. Feminism kind of lost it’s historical meaning to me after we won the right to vote. After that, it seemed more like complaining. Or as Tina Turner once said about feminism when it was all the rage in the 1970s, “I couldn’t really relate to that ‘movement’ kind of thing. They were talking about ‘liberation’ — but liberation from, like, housework. That was the least of my problems. My problem was simply survival.” That is my problem too. Simply trying to survive. So, I’m going to get back to that surviving thing while I wait for the sequel to not so Wonder Woman to come out, because you never know, everyone might have moved on from feminism and now we can get a real, actual kick-ass Wonder Woman again in a movie that is actually good this time. 🙂

P.S.S.S: And since I am no longer a feminist (even if that means I have to start finding men hot enough to sleep with, I will, just so I don’t have to be a feminist anymore, that’s how over I am with this latest hashtag feminist movement), I can now openly and proudly say, “WHERE IN THE GOD DAMNED HELL IS WONDER WOMAN’S CLEAVAGE???!!!!” Wonder Woman has ALWAYS had cleavage, hence, one of the many great things about her being so awesome. Apparently, feminists don’t believe in cleavage. But they believe in really short skirts? See, this is why I’m not a feminist anymore. They no longer make any kind of logical sense. Plus, I can openly love cleavage again. Not everyone who loves cleavage is some creepy guy who wants to do creepy things with it. Sometimes, it’s a shy woman who finds cleavage quite beautiful and even sees it as a work of art, but you know, let’s just punish everyone, I guess is the feminist’s motto now. Oh well. There are always re-runs with Lynda Lovely Carter. 🙂 😉

See, cleavage.
And it’s patriotic cleavage too. 🙂 😉

Those trailer making genius bastards are at it again! I don’t even watch trailers anymore because they ALWAYS give away the whole damn movie and they ALWAYS make the movie seem WAY better than it really is, so from now on, there should only be trailers, because those trailer making bastards are the real geniuses when it comes to filmmaking. They can turn any movie into a great movie. Even this one, now that I saw the trailer, I want to see this awesome, kick-ass, take-no-names Wonder Woman movie! Not the one I was screened instead. Bastards! 🙁