The Maltese Falcon

Ali Naro 9 August, 2017 Comments Off on The Maltese Falcon
The Maltese Falcon

Starring – Humphrey Bogart, Peter Lorre, Mary Astor, Gladys George, Lee Patrick, Sydney Greenstreet, Ward Bond, Elisha Cook Jr.
Directed by John Huston

“The stuff that dreams are made of.” -Sam Spade (Humphrey Bogart) talking about The Maltese Falcon and not about the wonders of using an umbrella handle to just randomly practice fellatio. 

It’s time for that damn film censor board again. I keep giving this history lesson because it’s an important one. Mostly because I have been feeling lately like we do a lot more complaining about how far we still have to go and a lot of not appreciating of how good things are now. And the film censor board is a good way to remind everyone that things really, really used to suck for us, so we should at least look around and see how good things are for us now and how far we’ve come instead of only always seeing how far we still have to go. Or at least I think so. Or simply, I just do as the Buddha did when he became enlightened. I just try to appreciate the moment I’m in right now at this very moment – paying attention to what is going on right now – no worrying about the past or the future because there is only right now – pay attention, pay attention to the right now. And then with all this thinking I’m doing of the right now, my brain ends up getting distracted with thinking on the past and then I get pissed when I remember how much films used to suck for us, so this enlightenment thing that I’ve been working on for me is still a work in progress…

But anyway, why I keep pushing this history lesson here is because we did use to appear in films, despite a film censor board in Hollywood that lasted from the 1930s until 1968 that said we most definitely could NOT, but it was hard to spot us in these films because we weren’t allowed in them, officially. Yet still, art people are sneaky buggers when it comes to putting their vision in their very own art and so actors and writers and directors back then came up with sneaky subtle ways to still have us homosexuals and bisexuals and other kinds of sexuals that weren’t heterosexual in films, despite a film censor board, by doing tricky shit to get us past that damn film censor board so a film could get its stamp of approval. And some of this tricky shit of getting us into movies when we were officially not allowed in them back then included things like a male character (Peter Lorre) in The Maltese Falcon giving an umbrella handle (that was shaped just like an erect penis) a quick blow job while discussing the whereabouts of The Maltese Falcon with Humphrey Bogart. So, in other words, movies certainly weren’t boring back then when it came to making sure we were in them too. 😉

So, before I digress any further into the weirdness of giving umbrella handles fellatio, let me first explain what The Maltese Falcon is about. Well, Humphrey Bogart does one of his best Humphrey Bogart imitations in this movie where he plays Sam Spade, a detective who finds himself in the middle of a big ole mess with these three gay guys who are all looking for this small statue called The Maltese Falcon, which is worth lots and lots of money. So Humphrey…I mean Sam Spade does a lot of smoking cigarettes and cigars and rolling of cigarettes (but not cigars, because back then people smoked a lot of cigarettes and most people rolled those cigarettes by hand, but I guess not cigars) and drinking lots of alcohol and going for lots of rides in taxis and punching gay guys and slapping women around and then kissing women (but no kissing of the gay guys, sadly) and taking guns from the gay guys and talking about how much money he can get if he finds this elusive statue, until he does find the elusive statue, but then (spoiler alert, although the movie came out in 1941, so how spoilery could this really be) it’s not the real statue after all and then he sends one of his girlfriends and the three gay guys all to jail, while Humphrey…I mean Sam ends up still poor and still alone, but he gets to take the fake statue with him because it’s the stuff dreams are made of. The End. 

Humphrey Bogart beating up the big ole sissy, umbrella blow job loving queer!

So, wanna get back to that fellatio of an umbrella part? Me too. Even though I’m a lesbian and am no fan of blow jobs, I still wanna talk about this particular one that was put in this film so the 1941 audience would have a sneaky subtle clue that Peter Lorre’s character was a big ole queer. Now, it may be weird to hear a lesbian talk about blow jobs, but it’s not like I didn’t walk around for a while in my youth trying really hard to be straight. So, I have a little bit of experience in this area and I think it’s okay for me to talk about it as a somewhat expert since one of my last boyfriends (or whatever he was, I’m not really sure we were doing more than sleeping together) I had before I came out was actually bisexual, instead of homosexual, like all the boys I dated before him who pretended to like girls for mom and dad, so I finally got to try out this lovely thing called fellatio before I ran to the hills screaming, “OH MY GOD! AFTER THAT, I’M DEFINITELY A LESBIAN!” And I only say I’m “somewhat of an expert” because this is the only guy I did this with because like I said, he actually liked girls and so I was more than just a ruse, so we didn’t just sit on the couch during our dates, watching Star Trek and not paying any attention to me physically, except when mom and dad were around, and then well, let’s just make out with Ali and practically have sex with her right there in front of mom and dad so they know how straight I am, whether Ali is game for this or not, and I was always NOT, because who wants to make out in front of your boyfriend’s parents??!

So a few months after we ended our relationship or whatever it was, I came out as a lesbian to that one bisexual boyfriend/guy I slept with/whatever exactly that relationship was because I’m still not sure; the first thing he said back to me was that there was no way in the world that I could possibly be a lesbian since…


…let’s just say my particular rendition of fellatio was the best he ever had up to that point in his life. And this “best ever” statement that he kept repeating to me over and over again to prove that I so wasn’t a lesbian during that infamous phone call almost 20 years ago now still confuses the hell out of me because he was a 35 year old, quite experienced sexually man, and I was a very repressed 25 year old lesbian virgin when we started dating, or really, just sleeping together (and my severe and quite sad lack of sexual experience was because of being so severely repressed about my sexuality and then dating nothing but gay boys for a few years who never wanted to touch me, except in front of mom and dad, hence me only being a ruse part, but hey, at least they were all real pretty to look at while we were doing this ruse thing together). And isn’t that just wrong that someone as inexperienced as I was turned out to be the best at that point in his life?! And what a skill for a lesbian to have! Completely wasted on me! Whenever I think on this very odd coming out conversation I had with him, I still can’t wrap my brain around how I could have been the best he had up to that point in his life when he had slept with lots of boys and girls before me, other than I figure men AND women must be really, really bad at sex if I turned out to be the best. I guess, men and women of the world, you need to brush up on your fellatio skills. Just saying. Anyway, to make a long story somewhat short, being a “somewhat expert” in this field of fellatio, I feel it is okay for lesbian-me to talk about sneaky subtle fellatio of erect penis shaped umbrellas in a film during the film censor era. 

And yep, this is the infamous umbrella handle in the shape of an erect penis that Peter Lorre’s character is quite enjoying. Who knew that umbrella handles were just so damn sexy to gay men back in 1941??!

Have I scared you away yet, because I’m feeling a little ready to run for those hills again myself. So anyway, in order for the audience to know right away that Peter Lorre’s character was a big ole queer, we, the audience, get sneaky subtle clues like his business card smelling of gardenias and a very curly/effeminate hairdo and somewhat flamboyant suits and just casually, almost, but not quite sucking on an umbrella handle that looks just like an erect penis, hence, looking like he’s giving it a blow job because he’s a big ole queer and big ole queers just can’t control their love of blow jobs in 1941, apparently. (And boy, this movie was a big reminder that I’m no fan of erect penises! Yet another GIANT clue that I should have known I was gay way, way, way before I did. Although, it only took me a year after I finally slept with a guy to figure it out, so maybe I should give myself a break?)

So anyway, we got Peter Lorre in this film, bless him, who I pretty much always see as homosexual in any film he was in, because his characters were all pretty much the same, slithering into a scene and then slithering out again, but all in a very homosexual manner, but it is even more obvious in this film because of those things I listed above, but especially because that whole fellatio of an umbrella thing is kind of hard to miss. And all of this could explain why I would always be drawn to him in a movie. Maybe because I knew his characters were, or at least seemed like, one of my people too. I still go around all the time saying, “Riiiiick! Riiiiiick!” in my best Peter Lorre imitation of his character in Casablanca because I just love me some Peter Lorre. Oh Riiiiiick! Why didn’t you just love Peter instead? He might have stayed with you instead of running off with some hot, politically conscious guy like Ingrid did. Oh well.

Anyway, while I was watching this umbrella fellatio scene again recently, I was trying to figure out why the director, John Huston (of the “large fucking hat” fame) put that in the film just to prove the character was homosexual. He had other clues, so why include that, I kept asking myself. 

What was the purpose of this image?

Why put it there?

We got the big ole hint that he was a big ole queer with the business card smelling like a gardenia, so why the fellatio act as well?

It seemed so unnecessary to me.

And then it dawned on me that Mr. Huston was probably really trying to get the audience to hate this guy, because he was a bad guy after all, and so he knew what the audience would be thinking, because maybe his brain could think that way too. And so I made myself go into that mindset, because normally I’m never in the name-calling mindset, whether out loud or in my head, I just don’t like calling people names or making harsh/negative judgments about them. It makes me uncomfortable and quite frankly, a bit ill to go around in my head thinking bad of people. But being an eternal optimist about people is not always a good thing. So, I made myself go there, to that mindset of immediate negative judgement of someone’s character and this is what I figured the reaction Huston wanted and probably got from his audience and he included this fellatio image to really drive it home –

“Hey. That guy is kind of weird. He has a business card that smells like a gardenia?! And now he keeps playing with an umbrella handle that looks like an erect penis?! And now he’s kind of sucking on that umbrella handle?! Oh, gross! He must be a big ole queer!”

And there you go. See why I try to stay in the right now because of this sick shit people did to us back then to make sure we still got in a movie?! This wasn’t about equal rights and having as many gay characters as straight characters to get that ever elusive diversity in a movie like we are all endlessly yammering on and on and on about today. This was about humiliating those gay characters.

Sydney Greenstreet as Gutman, the second of the three gay guys in the film. Yep, his name is Gutman, so remember this when we are complaining about hurtful words and images of us today in our entertainment choices because words and images nowadays ain’t as hurtful or as hateful as they used to be because apparently back then gay guys didn’t just love sucking on umbrella handles, they were super obese too and needed hateful names like Gutman to prove the point of said weight issues. 

Throughout The Maltese Falcon, we are told in many subtle and not so subtle ways that Peter Lorre, Sydney Greenstreet and Elisha Cook Jr. are all gay in this film, and not just gay, but the bad guys too; hence gay guys are bad guys. Because a lot of times, if we ended up in a movie back then, we were the bad guy or the comic relief to laugh at, not with. And this movie is a prime example of that. We got a gay guy with a gardenia smelling business card, performing fellatio of an umbrella in public. Then we got the big fat guy (yes, I’m using “fat” on purpose because that is how we, the audience, are supposed to judge him – harshly) who is called Gutman as a kind of play on words because of his weight, because let’s not just make fun of his homosexuality, but also drive that humiliation home with his obese weight as well. And let’s give him a wimpy lover who carries a big gun, because I guess he isn’t a real man/has a little penis because of all that wimpy gayness and so needs a big gun to help hide this fact. This big gun/little penis guy is Gutman’s lover and Gutman keeps telling big gun/little penis guy that he loves him as a son, so we got incest going on as well. But Gutman keeps telling his lover that he can always replace a son, so we got some fucked-up parenting going on with the suggestion that gay people are incestuous too.

And so I sat there watching this movie for the first time in a while and found myself seething for the first time at seeing these particular images of us.

Just seething.

Because back when I was a teenager in the 1980s and so confused about my feelings for women and so confused about why I was so drawn to gay characters or characters that seemed gay in movies, well,


And I just accepted these images because, once again,


These images of gays and lesbians on my TV as a teenager in the 1980s were of people who were weird and creepy and horribly lonely and always unhappy and criminals and usually dead or in jail or suddenly not homosexual anymore by the end of the movie. I was so desperate for images of me when I was a sad, lonely teenager who hid in my bedroom all the time watching these images, secretly searching, searching, searching for anything on my TV with people like me, even though I didn’t quite know who me was, I still was desperate for my people, so I took what I could get and this bullshit was all that I could get. 

So present day me found myself seething about the past. Seething that we dare to bitch and moan and complain about our representation in entertainment today when this is what we used to have. No wonder this movie kept pissing me off when I watched it again recently! These were not good images for me to be watching as a teenager. They might have even delayed me realizing I was gay until I was 26 years old, because who wants to realize they are gay when gay looks like that?! But there was no Internet back in the 1980s when I was a teenager first watching these old movies. There was no Queer As Folk or Looking or The Fosters or even that awful The L Word for me to turn on and see me on my TV. This was pretty much it. Subtext with subtle hints that a character was gay and usually that gay character was a big ole mess that no one aspired to be. So when I was watching The Maltese Falcon again as an out 44 year old lesbian woman in 2017, I couldn’t help but feel sad and angry that sad, lonely teenage lesbian me would watch these old films hoping to find clues about who I really was and these clues just kept me from being me. So I was just ready for the damn movie to be over, because although it was great that not one, not two, but three gay guys were major players in a highly-regarded, classic film from the 1940s, we were just fucked-up weirdos who had no manners, so we did things like give blow jobs in public.

Bogart keeping an eye on that big gun/little penis “gunsel.” Bogart kept calling this poor, confused character “gunsel” in the movie, so I looked it up and according to my research it was a derogatory term then for homosexual, particularly young homosexuals. Lovely.

And so my eyes are now open to this fact for the first time – that these images helped to keep me in denial. They helped me to walk around for 26 years in complete and total denial to my true self. I dated gay boys because I thought I had to date men and so being a lesbian, I found myself attracted to only men with feminine qualities, aka – gay men. And so I forced myself into these sad, lonely relationships, because otherwise, I was desperately afraid that I’d end up like one of these sad and lonely characters, and I was already sad and lonely enough, thank you very much! And these sad and lonely gay boys that I dated saw these images too, so they too walked around in denial and in the closet, dating in-denial-lesbians like me, trying to impress their very own parents with their fake heterosexuality so they wouldn’t be disowned by these parents or ridiculed by them or embarrass them. These images in the dark kept me in the dark. I always thought movies saved me, but now I see that they hurt me too. And this fact is a hard one for me to swallow. Kind of like how hard all that swallowing was when I was giving blow jobs to a guy that I didn’t like beyond his feminine good looks just so I wouldn’t be sad and lonely. Yet, by denying who I was by forcing these relationships with men I didn’t like, much less love, made me as sad and lonely as the subtexual gay characters in these movies from the censor board era. I was one of these characters too, but in real life, not on my TV. 

Now I know why I liked the 1948 film Rope better than this film and why it didn’t bother me quite so much when I saw it again last year for the first time in years, because even though it had three gay guys in that film as well, two of whom were the bad guys, at least the bad guys were based on real people. The three gay guys in The Maltese Falcon seemed to just be based on derogatory stereotypes and not real, actual people. 

So see, isn’t it nice to just think on the right now and how much better it is to watch us on the TV today? We still aren’t on the TV or smart phone or tablet or laptop or whatever as much as we should be, but we aren’t three gay guys giving umbrellas fellatio and referring to our lovers as our kid and being portrayed as gluttonous criminals. We are everywhere now and we are diverse and we are fully-formed characters. We still have a long way to go, but we have come so, so, so far. So please, can we at least appreciate the fact of how great the now is while we are fighting for a better future? 

And now I’m going back to that Buddha thing and thinking on only the right now, because the past just made me way too pissed and depressed. That Buddha was one smart guy. Staying in the right now really is much better for one’s brain. 🙂

P.S: In case you were wondering (and why not wonder, I sure would be) what made my skills at fellatio so much better than all the other men and women that old boyfriend (or whatever he was) that I slept with before I came out…well, all I can figure is that I just did exactly what he told me to do and I did with enthusiasm even as I was, quite frankly, repulsed by it. (And maybe I can do some mind reading too during sex, but only maybe.) So, ladies and gentlemen, that is apparently the secret to giving the best blow jobs your partner has ever had. You simply listen to what they want, do it, and pretend to enjoy it (and maybe read their mind too, but only maybe). No wonder I figured out I was a lesbian soon after that!!!!

P.S.S.: Is blow job spelled – blowjob or blow job? I found it spelled both ways, so I just went with the latter. Another good reason I’m glad I’m a lesbian. I don’t normally have to figure out the correct spelling of blow job! 

Fun Fact (because I really need to distract my brain from all of this blow job talk): Ward Bond appears in The Maltese Falcon and this is a fun fact because my dad once said when I was a kid that, “Ward Bond was in every God damned film from the 1930s through the 1950s.” And so over the years his observation has been proven right again and again because pretty much whenever I sit down to watch a film from this time period, Ward Bond does seem to always show up in every film ever made during that time. From The Maltese Falcon to It’s A Wonderful Life to Gone With The Wind. No matter how big or small the part was, if you’re watching a film from that time period, you are probably seeing Ward Bond too. 🙂

And here he is, Ward Bond. A face you see in a lot of movies from the 1930s-1950s. Don’t you hate it when your dad is always right? Well, except about being married to your mom. So basically when he got it wrong, boy did he get it WRONG!

They don’t make trailers like they used to. They got those trailer making genius bastards now to give away all the plot and good parts.