The Horizon

Ali Naro 6 January, 2017 Comments Off on The Horizon
The Horizon

Starring – Paul Layton, Patrick James, Indigo Felton, Adam George, Matthew Clarke, Anna Bauert
Created by Adam Jones and Boaz Stark

The Horizon Special is directed by Stephan Elliott (you know, the guy who directed The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert! Cool, right?!! Well, this film nerd thinks it’s cool.)
2016

“Life is like a lava lamp. Heats up, gets interesting.” -Dennis from The Horizon

That sure is good to know since I have a lava lamp in every room of our oh so luxury apartment (at this price, it should be luxury). Seriously, for some odd reason, probably because they have always made me happy, I have a lava lamp in every room of our oh so luxury apartment. 

Except the kitchen.

And the bathroom.

But I’m working on getting lava lamps in those rooms too, so it’s still a work in progress.

Anyway, do you know how frightening and nerve-wracking it is to try to write a review about a pilot episode of a web series that was directed by Stephan Elliott who directed the groundbreaking 1994 film The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert? Well, so far, it’s been fucking frightening and nerve-wracking for me since I have loved that film for well over 20 years now…

…so watch now…

…as I digress again (notice, I did it there in the very beginning too, because I’m nervous, dammit)…

…to avoid dealing with this fear with this strange tale that will, trust me, actually come back to the point of The Horizon

I think.

Well, we’ll see.

But you won’t find out unless you keep on reading…

So anyway, it’s also kind of hard to write a review while having a nervous breakdown because it finally dawned on me recently that my therapist really was that awful at her job and kind of a creep too, so that was real helpful for my already poor mental health, so here we go, once again, down Alice’s rabbit hole to deal with that nightmare realization. But then again, we are talking about the mental healthcare system in America here. Let’s put it this way when it comes to how much the mental healthcare system sucks balls here, back in 2005, after only a few months of being diagnosed as bipolar (which I later found out was a complete and utter misdiagnosis) and prescription pill popping around the clock (because those psychiatrists sure do love them some pills and I still can’t figure out the difference between them and a drug dealer), yet still feeling worse and worse and worse, and all by a psychiatrist’s approval, that Scientology was starting to look more and more like something that might be just the thing for me since my life was starting to look way too similar to Judy Garland’s life (and that’s not exactly a life I want to be imitating, poor lady, bless her heart and fuck MGM!) with giving me pills to wake me up and pills to put me to sleep and pills for this and pills for that and let’s try a little electric shock treatment for good measure, and all I did with all of this oh so wonderful help was just get sadder and sadder and sadder and sadder. So, it’s no surprise that after only a few months of that painful and awful and let’s just make her even more depressed than she already is (and trust me, that’s saying something) that I actually considered Scientology (to my poor wife’s fear and dread and please God no!) for several months back in 2005.

You remember 2005, don’t you?

Well, I sure as hell don’t because of all those doctor prescribed, mind-numbing pills, so 2005 is a little blurry to me, but I do remember (because even doctor approved, doped-up me couldn’t forget that bat-crazy shit) when ole beard loving Tommy Boy was jumping on couches and declaring his very straight love for Katie and telling people how awful Ritalin was and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!

Well, while all of you sane people were saying,

“What in the fuck is wrong with Tom Cruise, once again?!”

I was actually thinking in my head,

“Hey, I’m on Ritalin and I fucking hate that shit. And Tom Cruise says that exercise and vitamins are the way to mental health and I love me some exercise and vitamins, and boy, does my mental health suck and these pills are not helping me one God damn bit. So, Scientology sounds like the religion for me!”

And then I told my wife this master plan of mine and I kind of remember her saying something along the lines of,

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

I think.

I’m not sure.

I’ll have to get back to you on that.

I have to wait until she gets home from work where she helps to cure cancer (she really does, isn’t that cool?!) and double checks my facts on that particular insane episode that went on in our home during my lovely, oh so caring years in the American mental healthcare system.

You know, I’m really starting to think that psychiatrists should have their own special place in Dante’s 9 Circles of Hell. Can we put them where ole Dante put us gays in that extremely complicated hell of his that is certainly no divine comedy and then give those oh so lovely psychiatrists lots of shit for making us a fucking disease for fucking years and years and years that just HAD to be cured and then going, oh wait, never mind on that. Silly us. Sorry for all of that pain and misery and heartbreak and suicides we caused you when we said that you were wrong to love the person who made you smile and shine and happy and feel alive.

Assholes.

Think I got me some issues about psychiatrists!

Oh well.

I’ll just add that issue to the list.

God. That is one long fucking list.

L. Ron Hubbard, the founder of Scientology, was many, many, oh so many things, crazy definitely being one of them, but one thing that rather insane man definitely knew, and that very smart thing was, sometimes psychiatrists really, really, REALLY SUCK! So no wonder I decided to listen to Tom Cruise! I was that fucking crazy thanks to psychiatrists!

Hey, maybe this is how Scientology got started in the first place?

You know, I should have been listening to Leah Remini who was the only voice of reason in that crazy church of crazy (and you wonder why they are so against psychiatry?) by telling anyone in that church that would listen (and apparently, no one was listening, so do you blame her for saying, “Fuck you, Scientology!”) that Tom Cruise is…now wait for it…just an actor. 

GASP!

Hey, I thought he was the messiah too and saving the world single-handily or something?

Maybe ole Tommy is a man of many talents?

Anyway, guess what? Leah Remini was right. What do you know; Tom Cruise is just an actor. Who knew?! Well, Leah Remini did. So, why in the hell am I listening to just an actor about how to cure the pain in my brain?! 

And boy was that Scientology book of Leah’s funny and sad and weird and hilarious and pee pants worthy and confusing and what in the fuck???!!!! I highly recommend getting the audio book and putting on your headphones and have Leah tell you herself this crazy and amazing and doing-anything-for-her-family life she has lived and what a strong, brave and amazing person she is, and Scientology, you can just go fuck off because I’m not that crazy anymore to want that much craziness and Tom Cruise in my life. He is JUST an actor, after all. You keep fighting the good fight, Leah. I’m here rooting for you in spirit. Well, you know, when I’m not having a nervous breakdown, that is.

Anyhoo, boy did I get off topic there, but back on topic…

Maybe…

Nerves…

Nerves…

Nerves…

Oh God.

It’s Stephan Fucking Elliott

And Priscilla, Queen of the Fucking Desert.

Great fucking movie.

That I have loved.

For over 20 years.

So, you know, nerves happen…

So, back to the topic at hand (gulp)…

Recently during this particular nervous breakdown, I opened my email to see if anyone had sent me anything for MOTR because I don’t want to be rude and not answer the few kind people who manage to figure out how to contact me and send me kind requests to watch their films that they have worked so hard on and just want others to see the passion and love that they have given to their art, even though I was in the middle of yet another in a cycle of one breakdown after another that I had all last year. And you thought Hillary Clinton had a really bad 2016?! Try spending the whole year having, yet again, for the millionth time in your life, since age 11, one nervous breakdown after another, but mental illness is NOT for wimps, and I am anything but wimpy, so I keep on breathing. And you know why you keep on breathing? Because good shit happens if you keep on breathing, because right there in my email right there while I was thinking (yet again, for the millionth time) what a giant piece of shit I was and maybe I should really just die already because all I do is bring pain and there is nothing good at all about me and even Hitler had good things about him like being nice to his secretaries and his dogs, but oh no, not me, I’m evil and bad because Joan Crawford Junior likes it that way. But I have a wonderful wife who has sacrificed everything to keep me breathing, so you know what, I keep on breathing.

And so this keeping breathing thing that we keep as a theme for me in my home got me some amazing sunlight and hope and hey, maybe I’m not a giant piece of crap person after all. So, this is why I check my email every so often when I have the courage to do so, to maybe find some light to help break some of that awful darkness in my head that my poor wife tries so hard to shine a light on.

As she is also busy keeping me away from Scientology.

Poor thing is exhausted.

And so what was in that sunlight email as I keep on digressing and distracting myself from it because I am still that nervous about this review? A wonderful request for me to help promote the Australian web series The Horizon, and the most absolute best part of this very sunny email was that the pilot was directed by Stephan Elliott who directed The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert, which just so happens to be one of my favorite movies of all time!! 

Hello sunlight!!!

And, say…

…what…

…again…?

Huh?

And then I proceeded to do what I always do whenever in my life I ever get any good news about myself, I had a nervous breakdown.

Lovely.

Oh, it wasn’t their fault. How are they going to know that good news about me sends me on a cycle of, “I’m not worthy! Please go away! I can’t do my Oscar winning imitation of Emily Dickinson here if you start paying attention to the fact that I exist!” And people wonder why my wife had to get on my computer herself and create this website herself and physically sit me down in front of my computer herself and say, “Get to writing about movies, woman!”

And slowly, slowly, ever so slowly, I did.

Like I said, the poor woman is exhausted.

But I keep on breathing for her.

Anyway, after I got over that particular nervous breakdown, I got my butt back on my computer, finally, and at the very least watched the pilot of The Horizon because all proceeds in December for the pilot went to the Red Ribbon Appeal to help end AIDS, so YAY, for that! And can I just say, people, we seem to have forgotten that a lot of us died and the rest of who survived were forever wounded from this awful fucking piece of crap plague (and because of AIDS scaring the ever loving crap out of me when it hit the planet just as I was hitting puberty, I forced myself right back in that closet and so stayed way longer in hell than I certainly ever wanted to and should have for my already poor mental health because little repressed teenage lesbian me in the 1980s kept waiting for the lesbians to start dying too, so I wasn’t exactly excited to come out to then face death at 13 years old) and so I’d really appreciate not having to watch another wave of beautiful people dying because men don’t want to put a condom on.

Men.

Really.

Now, men.

Come on.

Please, put a condom on.

I know you think it’s a giant pain in the ass (no pun intended…unless you want a pun there, then pun away, I say!) to wear a condom, but I don’t want to live through the AIDS plague again. None of us do! Once was enough for too many lifetimes, thank you very much. No wonder that war on labels and words in our community is really pissing me off. We survived the AIDS plague for a war on labels and words?! 

Whatever, people.

And now you can see how scared I am to talk about this wonderfully amazing and hilarious and sadly, painfully true pilot for the web series The Horizon because I have been avoiding the hell out of talking about it, haven’t I? Well let’s get on to talking about this web series that I am so in love with, shall we? Or just a little because I’m just too fucking nervous still, so I’ll just give you the gist, so I can then stop writing this review and go back and watch more, more, more of the wonderful, painfully true, hilarious, why isn’t this on my TV, The Horizon.

You know a show is going to be interesting when it starts pretty much off the bat with this fabulous line from my favorite new character in a gay series, Wilma Bumhurt (and boy, I hope I am spelling that right) – “You wanna fuck me, don’t you?” 

Well, that’s certainly a good way to start a show. My attention is peaked. How about yours?

The Horizon is about a group of friends, gay and straight, as they try to handle the homophobic (yep, we still got them homophobes) assholes of the world. Internal homophobia is also a front and center character in the series and they honestly portray the sometimes awful things we do in order to avoid all of the crap that comes with being gay. Just in one episode, this show pulls you into their world and shows you how the inequality that still legally exists in Australia is just so God damned fucking awful and why can’t they just have same sex marriage over there already, God dammit!

I think it wasn’t just Stephan Elliott making me nervous about this review, it was seeing again in The Horizon what we had in America just a couple of years ago, no legal equality. And it was awful and confusing and terrifying and made doing our taxes rather difficult when the state government counts you as married, but the federal government counts you as single, and so it takes H&R Block over a week to do what should have been ridiculously easy taxes that should only take maybe an hour because we are not wealthy people over here needing all that time for cheating the government out of taxes. It was awful and scary and my wife and I hauled our lesbian U-Haul loving asses to Massachusetts as soon as it became legal there because we wanted to be married and somewhat safe legally as possible and that was the best and only choice for us in 2005, so thank God, everyone here now can be married in every state and the federal government counts us too and how fucking cool is that?!! And yes, Australia, it can happen to you to. I mean, if Kylie Minogue wants it to happen, I say, why not? Then again, I do love me some Kylie tunes.

So, let’s get that same sex marriage thing passed already, Australia, shall we? You’re starting to look more ridiculous than America and that is saying something because, good Lord, we are a ridiculous bunch of people over here. I’m so sorry to everyone over there patiently and impatiently waiting for equality in marriage to happen, but know this, IT WILL HAPPEN. And when it does, let me tell you, the relief you feel knowing you can be married, or eventually get married, is one of the most amazing and freeing experiences you will ever have in your life, and you will love the fuck out of that moment, so enjoy the fuck out of it when it happens!! My wife and I enjoy that feeling every single day of our lives still because we fought so hard to get it and we are going to keep that feeling, God dammit. So see, it can and will happen! 

And now, I think I’m finally done here. Well, that wasn’t so bad, trying to write that now was it? See, keep on breathing and writing is the motto for me.

Update: Well, I guess I was right, because it did happen. On December 7, 2017, marriage between people of the same sex became legal in Australia. So, Australia, enjoy the fuck out of the moment! 🙂

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