Ali Naro 3 January, 2018 Comments Off on Showgirls

Starring – Elizabeth Berkley, Kyle MacLachlan, Gina Gershon, and a bunch of other people who would probably rather I not list that they are in this utterly bad, bad, oh boy is it bad movie
Directed by Paul Verhoeven

“FUCKER! FUCK OFF!” -Elizabeth Berkley about two hours into Showgirls and it’s the only time in the two hours and 10 minutes of this oh boy is it bad movie that it is actually good, but then it gets bad again, but luckily it is over soon after that. 🙂

Showgirls is famous for being a really, really, really bad movie and that fame is well-deserved because I have been trying for over 20 years now to finish this damn movie. I would try and try and try for years and years and years to finish this damn movie, but always I would have to give my poor senses mercy and turn it off because it really is just that bad. The damn movie being famous for being bad is not hype, people. Over the years, I’d see the damn movie on my TV when I was changing channels, so I’d stop on the channel for a while and try with all of my heart and soul to watch the damn movie, but nope, I’d always have to turn it off when the badness of this very bad movie got to be too much for my poor brain. And my poor brain really must be a glutton for punishment, because every time there I would be again, turning the channels and running into Showgirls and then trying with all my might to watch it because I’m naive and gullible sometimes, especially when it comes to gorgeous women. And so I would give it another shot, and then while watching the damn movie, I’d remember, “Oh God, this damn movie is awful,” and so I would turn the channel, only to start the vicious cycle all over again the next time I ran into Showgirls, aka There’s That Damn Movie Again

Are you getting why I kept trying to watch this really, really, really bad movie? Because I didn’t get it until just a few days ago. Boy, am I naive and gullible or what??! 

But then cable got too freaking expensive (seriously cable companies, what’s the deal??!), so it got cancelled from my life and I moved on to several streaming services. So from time to time, I would see that Showgirls was available on one of these streaming options of mine and I would hit “play” thinking maybe this time I can finally finish this damn movie. But nope. I’d get about 30 minutes into the movie, maybe 45 minutes if I was being really patient that day and/or full of gluttonous punishment for my brain, but soon I would scream to myself, “Please, for the love of God and Christmas and all things holy, NO MORE!” So I would turn it off, once again, because, once again, I just couldn’t take the pain that the damn movie was causing my eyes and ears and intelligence anymore. 

This lovely, lovely scene wasn’t even in the damn movie, that’s how bad this movie is, but still, I kept trying to watch the damn thing. Have you figured out yet why? Well, you’re smarter than me because it took me over 20 years to figure out why I kept trying to watch this damn movie!

I only finally succeeded in this monumental task of watching Showgirls from start to finish on New Year’s Eve a few days ago. What a way to end 2017! Well, it was a pretty crazy year, so it was kind of apropos. And no, I didn’t finish the damn movie because I was drinking in the New Year. I don’t drink. When you have a mother who is an alcoholic, you kind of develop a sour attitude towards alcohol. Well, that and my body just doesn’t like what alcohol does to it and I do my best to listen to what my body says. So, I can’t blame alcohol on my ability to finally finish this damn movie.

I finally finished watching this damn movie!
I finally finished watching this damn movie!
And how in the hell was I SO BLIND for over 20 years as to why I kept trying????! 

So, how did I finally finish watching this really, really, oh boy is it bad movie after years and years and decades of trying? I finally stopped paying attention to anything at all that was going on in the damn movie like the bad acting, the bad directing, the bad dialogue, the bad story, the bad musical numbers, the bad everything other than all of the lovely, lovely, oh so lovely plethora of naked breasts and the pseudo-lesbianism, that’s how! 😉

See, lots and lots of lovely, lovely naked breasts and some pseudo-lesbianism to boot. Now how in the hell did I NOT realize this is why I kept trying to finish this damn movie for over 20 years??! Breasts always get me into trouble. And pseudo-lesbianism just doesn’t help either. But even with this bad damn movie, they are always SO worth it. 😉

So, what is this damn movie that is famous for being bad about anyway? Well, that’s a hard one to describe, because, 

  1. The movie makes no damn sense, hence the badness of this damn movie.
  2. The streaming service that was streaming it the other day, no longer has it, so I can’t go back to refer to the damn movie now, and there is no way in hell that I’m paying to rent or buy this damn awful movie just to write a review about it. Even if I was a millionaire or a billionaire and had tons and tons of money to just throw away on crap, NO WAY! I am very practical with my money and renting or buying this movie is so not the practical thing to do with your money.

So, let’s talk about this movie based solely on my bad short-term memory thanks to years of unnecessary psychiatric medications that kill your short-term memory (and this helps with clinical depression how?) and 16 unnecessary sessions of ECT, which is the medical PC way of saying electric shock treatment (you know like what happened to Jack Nicholson in One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest, so you know, good times) that I had 8 years ago now this month that also not only kills your short term memory, but hurls it far, far, far into the reaches of outer space, possibly never to return (and this helps with debilitating depression how? and you thought this was just going to be a funny review?). So in other words, you better listen to the immortal words of Bette Davis in All About Eve, “Fasten your seat belts, it’s going to be a bumpy night.” Or in this case, a very bumpy review, because I don’t remember much about this damn awful bad movie other than…

Well, Showgirls is mostly about naked breasts and naked breasts and did I mention naked breasts? And it’s about Elizabeth Berkley being in a very bad mood all the time or as my wife said, “She’s like a petulant 12 year old.” (And yes, my poor wife did manage to watch some of this movie, but she smartly decided to go in the kitchen and do some baking and cooking during most of it.) And more naked breasts. And dancing. And dancing while being naked (which, of course, includes naked breasts). And Gina Gershon doing the only good acting in this very bad movie, because she was the only one who realized, “Fuck, this movie is bad, but at least I’m still getting paid.” And I think she should get some kind of honorary Oscar just for accomplishing that impossible task; being really good in a very, very bad movie. And then there are more naked breasts. And trying to become a big dancing star, which includes, of course, naked breasts. And then Gina Gershon doing A LOT of pseudo-lesbian flirting with Elizabeth Berkley, but nothing really comes of all that pseudo-lesbianism (see, bad movie) except for a kiss while Gina Gershon is in a hospital bed after Elizabeth Berkley put her there (wait! what?! told you it was bad movie). But at least Gina Gershon got to play a full-on lesbian the next year in Bound, which was a fantastic movie, so see, Karma works. And then there are some really, really, really weird, weird, WEIRD sex scenes. I mean WEIRD, WEIRD, WEIRD, or as my wife and I discussed amongst ourselves during one of them, “Wouldn’t she drown having sex like that in a pool with water pouring all over her mouth and going in and out of the water and stuff? I’m pretty sure she would have drowned by now.” See, told you it was weird. And then there is a really weird and horribly violent but still really fucking weird rape scene with that hot guy who was the bartender on Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, and maybe I used to watch that kind of bad, but still kind of good show obsessively when it was on, but I kept telling myself, “I’m only watching this show for the hot bartender with the long hair, NOT because I’m in love and in lust with Jane Seymour. No way Jose is THAT the reason I’m watching this show over and over and over again.” BUT then the damn bad movie gets kind of good because Elizabeth Berkley finally finds her voice during a kick ass revenge scene due to the rape and makes up for all that bad acting that I think she got directed to do, because she was good on Saved By The Bell, which, of course, I only started watching because Haley Mills starred in the first season of it. See, me and women. They do it to me every time. Making me watch kind of bad shows and movies because I’m in love with them. The things I’ll do for love. What was I saying again? I got distracted by Jane Seymour and Hayley Mills. See, women do this to me! Make me forgetful and gullible. Anyway, Elizabeth Berkley ends up beating the ever loving shit out of the hot bartender from Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman and tells him when he’s on the ground and bleeding, “FUCKER! FUCK OFF!” And then she goes to the hospital to visit her friend who the hot bartender raped and basically tells her friend (who also could have been her lover, but the movie never really makes that clear, but then again, the movie makes nothing clear) that she’s safe now, so that was really, really sweet and for a second, the really, really, really bad movie turned into a beautiful lesbian love story and my wife came out of the kitchen to say, “Awwww,” so that tells you something right there because that rape scene was really violent and I had warned her not to look at the TV right now. But then the movie gets really bad again, but then it’s over like five minutes later, so…


And now you see why I spent over 20 years trying to finish Showgirls. Naked breasts, naked breasts and more naked breasts with some pseudo-lesbianism thrown in for good measure. Hey, at least I kept trying. I’ve never been a quitter. I’m as stubborn as hell. Which isn’t always a good thing, but with my depression, it’s why I’m still on planet Earth, because despite bad movies with bad pseudo-lesbianism, and a life where I got myself in an awful medical situation where I’m taking unnecessary prescription medications and doing unnecessary electric shock treatment when I wasn’t even the bipolar crazy person that one psychiatrist decided I was after getting to know me and my history for about 10 minutes during my first stay in a mental hospital and then all the rest of the psychiatrists I saw after that just went, “Yep, she’s bipolar,” without even checking to see if I really was, so even after all of that (and trust me, that’s only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the atrocious practices of psychiatrists and therapists today), I’m still here. And more importantly, I’m no longer trying to finish watching that God damned Showgirls, because after 20 years, I have finally succeeded in this monumental task. So, I figure, if I can finish Showgirls after trying for 20 years, I’m pretty sure I can eventually beat my 30-plus years of debilitating depression too. And watching this movie helped me to see that better mental health is my main goal for 2018. See, sometimes bad movies can do really good things. And all those naked breasts kind of help too. 😉

Trust me, just watch the trailer. It’s much shorter and WAY better than the actual movie. Unless you are like me and are too curious about all those naked breasts, so then you just HAVE to watch this really, really, really bad movie. 

Bette Davis! They don’t make women like Bette Davis anymore. I wonder what she would say about Showgirls? Probably something like, “What in the FUCK happened to films?!” I don’t know, Bette. I just don’t know. I think I’m going to go watch a black and white movie now. Movies made way more sense when they were black and white. They don’t have any naked breasts, though, because naked breasts weren’t allowed in movies back then, which proves that you can’t have it all!