- For the amazing beauty and hotness of Tanya Roberts although there isn't enough stars in all the world to give to her so five stars will have to do
This very biased review for all things Tanya Roberts was originally posted on 2/28/2014. But I’m re-posting this review exactly as is 3 years later on 2/28/2017 just for my dad who’s 71st birthday is next week, and if it wasn’t for him, I never would have ventured into the world of Sheena and the lovely, lovely and funny as fuck, Tanya Roberts. So, thanks Dad for convincing 12 year old me at the video rental store that fateful day that yes, we really, really needed to rent Sheena. That was a pretty good save when Joan Crawford Junior started yelling at you when she saw the lovely Tanya Roberts all naked on our TV and I quickly agreed with you that it was me who wanted to watch Sheena, and NOT you, definitely NOT you. Even though, it was SOOOO your idea. 😉
Starring – Tanya Roberts and a bunch of other people but who cares really because this movie has Tanya Roberts and in my world, that is all that matters
Directed by Not Tanya Roberts, so who cares really, but if you do then ok, John Guillermin
If you have read my blog about Tanya Roberts, then you will already know that I have had a crush on her ever since the day 12-year-old me was at the video rental store (remember those?) with my dad and he picked the film Sheena from the shelf and said that he was renting it. When I asked why, he replied, “Why not?” Years later, now I know why he picked that movie from the self of the now long defunct and out of business video rental store I use to venture into almost daily and why my dad answered “Why not?” because with my dad, when it came to lusting after women, he had excellent taste.
The film is basically about a half-naked and sometimes completely naked Tanya Ro…..hmmmm…..oh my…..wow……..What?…Um?…Was I doing something?…..Oh yeah, I was trying to write a review about the film Sheena and it’s star Tanya Roberts. So. Ok. Sorry about that. Ok. So, the movie is basically about a half-naked and sometimes completely and totally naked Tanya…….hmmmm…..oh goodness……oh my….Wait?….What…What was I doing? Son of a cracker, I think I had better stop talking about Tanya Robert’s lack of clothing in this film or you will lose me again. Not that getting lost for that reason is such a bad thing. In fact, what a wonderful way to get lost. Oh, for goodness sakes!! This is what the damn movie is about! Sheena is a female version of Tarzan who saves some native African people from these pesky white people and one black guy who is an American import but might as well be white because he is that asinine. And just like Tarzan, Sheena is a bad ass when it comes to talking to animals and they always do her bidding. Oh my. Can I be one of her animals too? Ok now! For goodness sakes! Get a grip and just review the damn movie already! I am just like my father when it comes to having a crush on a woman. I am damned annoying about it. I swear, it’s the only time I ever act like a straight man. So, ok. Here we go. I swear this time. So, Sheena must save the African village she grew up in after her parents were killed and the people of the village adopted this very blonde, very blue-eyed, very white chickie la la. And smart people too because they adopted none other than Tanya Roberts and who wouldn’t want to adopt her. Well, I would rather date her actually. So yeah, off track again. So, this Sheena chickie la la gets help from this white guy who also use to be on the 70s sitcom Soap and together with just an elephant, a few tigers/lions and a couple of monkeys, they defeat an entire army of men that have machine guns galore, bazookas, tanks and just a shit load of arsenal at their disposal. It’s a very realistic film that way because in all the history of life, the two out of place white people, always beat the also out of place white people who have an army of people and 50 million guns at their disposal versus the two white people and their 3 animals and a bow and a couple of arrows as weapons. And this always happens in history and especially in movies because the very easy to shoot 50 million guns without an end in sight quantity of bullets never hit a target, whereas the very hard to shoot and quickly handmade one bow and two arrows hit the target every time. And what is really amazing about Sheena, other than her barely there costume (and see, I didn’t let her barely there costume distract me, so there!), is that all she has to do to keep people and animals away, because I guess she gets tired of animals sometimes and we know she gets tired of white people, is she just draws a circle in the dirt around her and the guy from Soap and his slightly chubby sidekick who is on a water pill diet that is supposed to make us laugh, but we don’t, and so anyway no animals, not even mosquitoes and no people can get to them as long as they stay in the circle. Very nifty and handy gift that Sheena has. And, And, AND the most exciting thing is, when Sheena needs to call her animal friends, she just puts her hand up to her forehead and look like she is having the worst migraine ever, and next thing you know, whatever specific animal or animals she is calling with her migraine headache comes a running. I wonder if that would work on my cats when I want some snuggles. Probably not. I don’t think domestic cats would even listen to Sheena’s migraine call because they always do what they want, when they want.
Oh yeah. So what’s gay about this movie? Not a God damned thing, unfortunately. BUT, BUT, BUT you get to see Tanya Roberts for all 117 minutes of this film in that fucking amazing leotard barely there costume and in the most amazing two scenes in the history of film ever (at least in my head) she is COM-PLET-LEY NAKED!!!!!! So really, do you need any other reason to watch this film than that? Gayness or no in the film, Tanya Roberts is always reason enough to watch a film in my book, and once again read my blog about her because I have seen a lot of awful movies thanks to her. Which is a shame because she is damn funny and she should have been (and maybe still will) be used in more comedies.
P.S.: This review needs more pictures of Tanya Roberts as Sheena so here you go and yes, you are very welcome. Enjoy!