It’s The Holiday Season, Bitches! What Are You Gonna Watch To Get Into the Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Festivus, Whatever in the Hell You Celebrate or Don’t Celebrate Season?!

Ali Naro 24 November, 2017 Comments Off on It’s The Holiday Season, Bitches! What Are You Gonna Watch To Get Into the Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Festivus, Whatever in the Hell You Celebrate or Don’t Celebrate Season?!
It’s The Holiday Season, Bitches! What Are You Gonna Watch To Get Into the Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Festivus, Whatever in the Hell You Celebrate or Don’t Celebrate Season?!

Merry Christmas!

Happy Hanukkah!

Happy Kwanzaa!

Festivus for the rest of us!

I don’t celebrate anything myself because it’s all one big commercialized, propaganda show to get us all to spend money we don’t have! I do put up a Christmas tree and a Christmas village because I can’t resist all of that big commercialized, propaganda stuff completely. I am human, you know. Although, we have a new cat this year who is hell on four paws, so I’m not sure if my tree or village will survive this holiday season, so I’m still trying to figure out where I will put up my Christmas decorations to keep them safe from Godzilla Kitty. 

Whatever you do celebrate or don’t celebrate for the holidays, here is a list of LGBT holiday films to help you get in the mood for the holiday season, gay style. I wonder if gay style is anything like that Cajun style thing that James Carville is always talking about? Anyway, just like the film selection for the Thanksgiving season, the holiday season has oh such a plethora of LGBT films to watch. I just don’t know how you will have time to watch them all…

Make The Yuletide Gay – An actual holiday film in which the main plot is about actual LGBT people or at least a gay couple. And it has Nellie from Little House On The Prairie, who even though you hated, you secretly had a crush on and used to also secretly wish would hook up with Laura already because all that fighting between the two of them was really just suppressed lust…or…maybe that was just me. You know, Little House was never the same once Nellie left and they replaced her with Nancy. BLAH! BOO! Hiss to Nancy! Laura and Nellie forever!

Love Actually – A movie about coupling and un-coupling during the holiday season. Wait, there was something LGBT about this movie of many, many, many, many, many straight couples both young and old and in-between? Yep! Or really, nope. We were in the movie before we got cut from it. A lesbian couple was a part of the many couples of Love Actually, but we are only in the deleted scenes and that is only if you get the DVD version. It was such an amazing storyline too, and even though the deleted scene of the lesbian couple we get to see is brief, it is enough to make you grab a tissue or two, or at least I did. 🙁

The Perfect Wedding – Gay guy helps a straight couple get married during the holiday season, but pretends to have a boyfriend because his ex-boyfriend is the brother of one-half of the straight couple, but the pretend boyfriend falls in love with the ex-boyfriend and I don’t know what happens next because it wasn’t exactly the most exciting movie ever and I never actually finished it. It’s mostly about people sitting around and talking and these aren’t the most stimulating conversations ever, so watch at your own risk or boredom really.

A Charlie Brown Christmas – Peppermint Patty and Marcie. Do I need to say more? Apparently, I do because now that I think on it, they aren’t even in this holiday cartoon, so never mind on that, although despite the lesbian couple getting cut out of yet another holiday film, it is still required viewing, or at least it is in my home. It is THE Charlie Brown Christmas Special after all. 

Carol – Which was new to the list last year, finally after 3 years of nothing new to add to the holiday list of LGBT movies, I had a new holiday film to add to the list, but no new film this year. 🙁 The first half of Carol is set at Christmas time where the two ladies fall in love, and then over an hour later (and let me tell you, that is one long mother of an hour to get those two naked together already, but that’s lesbians for you, we’re shy buggers for a long time, then BAM! like Emeril, we’ve moved in together and are ensconced for life!) Anyway, what the hell was I talking about? Oh yeah, Carol, the film that I now love and loathe at the same time. Thanks a lot Cate Blanchett for that! Anyway, after a very long, or at least what seems like a very long courtship, the ladies finally get it on New Year’s Eve night, after courting over train sets for Christmas gifts (and how lesbian is a train set for Christmas?) as in, they finally fall into bed together and almost both are all naked together, but only almost because Rooney Mara goes for it all the way with the nudity (And ladies, don’t we love us some of Rooney Mara’s wonderful breasts? Well, fuck feminism when it comes to Rooney Mara’s breasts, I say! I’m enjoying the hell out of them. Why not take advantage of some of the stuff straight men provide us in plethora like women’s boobies. Just saying.) Anyway, what? Oh yeah, so Rooney gets naked all the way because she’s awesome like that and a method actor to boot (sorry, Cate, you didn’t method act that love scene, which is ironic and you know why, just saying) and enjoying the hell out of getting snogged by Cate Blanchett all over her lovely, naked body. Meanwhile, Cate has a magical robe that finds itself conveniently attaching itself to all of her naughty bits just in the nick of time, so we can’t see much or really any of Cate’s nakedness, which at 47 years of age, is some pretty good looking nakedness. Hell, for 27 years of age, that’s some good looking nakedness, Cate, from what you let us see, which wasn’t much because you somehow magically super glued your robe to your ass and what’s the point of that for the audience who want to see more than a red flannel robe on you when you are making love to Rooney Mara who at least had the guts to go for it all the way, so huh, what’s the deal, Cate? And how lesbian was that robe? Well, I want one, so that tells me how lesbian that robe was. And how lucky is Cate Blanchett with the wardrobe department finding her a magical robe that conveniently always stayed right on her ass? Whatever. I’m over Cate Blanchett, which is sad, because I really loved her once, but then I found out that Cate has more in common with Katherine Hepburn besides nailing that awful accent, but who cares anyway because it’s still a great film, despite Cate’s lack of going for it ALL THE WAY (and not just with the love scene, but in her real life as well), but hey, at least Rooney went for it and then some. Half is better than none at all. I guess. Maybe. Whatever, Cate. I’m over you. Heartbreak is one awful mother. Just ask Rooney Mara’s character in Carol. That Carol loves breaking hearts and taking names and so does Cate Blanchett, so great casting. Just saying.

Anyway, that…that’s…yep…I think that’s about it for LGBT holiday films to enjoy during this wackadoo time of year of hating on each other and spending lots of money you don’t have on people you hate and spending time with family that you moved far away from because they drive you to mental hospitals, so see, a wackadoo time of year.

Did I forget a movie?

I sure hope I did because, boy, that is a pathetically small list!

Does anyone else know of another holiday movie with us in it?

Anyone?

Anyone?

Bueller?

Bueller?

Hey Ferris Bueller, where in the hell are you?! And I’m not so sure how heterosexual you were anyway. If Mia Sara had been my girlfriend, I would have spent the day with her naked in bed, not at a fancy restaurant, a museum, a tall building, the stock market, a baseball game (go Cubs!) and a parade with my best guy friend, who was also suspiciously gay. So Ferris, you give up being naked in bed with Mia Sara all day for that? Even my straight big sister thought those two were a couple for all these years. Just saying. Merry Christmas. Yeah, I’m saying Merry Christmas. If I’m not Christian (I’m Buddhist for the record, or at least trying my damn hardest to be, but enlightenment ain’t no walk in the park, you know) and people saying “Merry Christmas” to me doesn’t bother me one bit because 9.999999 times out of 10, it’s just a polite hello or good-bye, that’s all, nothing else. People aren’t trying to be mean, they’re just trying to celebrate something they believe in and is that so bad even if we don’t believe in it ourselves? I sure don’t think so. So, maybe we should all do some priority rearranging when it comes to small stuff like that, and remember in the 90s there were books telling us not to sweat the small stuff and see what happened? We didn’t listen, now did we? And look how much stuff we are sweating now? So, when it comes to Merry Christmas, I just think Buddha and say “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Holidays” right back at them and move on with my life and no hard feelings and I feel a little better with that little bit of a pleasant exchange and we could all use a little bit of pleasantness in our lives. Don’t you think? 🙂

Update Thanks To My Big Sister’s Keen Gaydar: My big sister keeps texting me all kinds of gay characters from holiday specials and you know there is a lack of us in holiday movies when my straight big sister is helping me remember all the repressed gay characters from our holiday TV show watching as kids. So here are the repressed gay characters she included – The Grinch, the elf from the Rudolph special that wanted to be a dentist, probably some gay undertones in A Christmas Story and a non-holiday bonus – Willie from Little House on The Prairie. So there you go. 

Update Thanks To Just Watching A New Film: Ask and ye shall receive. And apparently right away, because I discovered this film right after I updated the holiday blog for this year. It’s a Christmas miracle! Check out the film Life After Ex when it gets released next year. It has several scenes set at Christmas time with lots of gay characters to cheer up our always lack of representation during holiday movies. 


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